another day, another spam. i get so many, it’s hard to separate the ridiculous from the truly absurd. but i’m compelled to read them, just so that i won’t miss the gems that remind me what life is truly about. no, not a more active sex life. or refinancing a mortgage. or even hot, busty barely-legals that would love to… yeah. the ultimate secret, the raison d’etre (if you will), according to gospel ministries international, is none other than hellfire.

normally i like the “author’s” work to speak for itself, but the following missive is so rife with malevolence and fear-mongering that i can’t resist. comments in parenthesis are my paltry attempt to make sense of it all. and now, dear readers, let’s get spiritual.

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THE PASSION LIVES!!!!!!!!!! (excessive use of exclamation points. way excessive.) 

JESUS CHRIST IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD!  ONE ALL POWERFUL CREATOR GOD REIGNS SUPREME!!!  (i somehow missed the mention of this in the papers.)

 IN SPITE OF THIS PROSTITUTES, WHORES, ESCORTS, LESBIANS, PORNOGRAPHERS, HOMOSEXUALS, SWINGERS, LYING POLITICIANS, ATHEISTS, CHRIST-HATERS AND THOSE WHO BELONG TO FALSE RELIGIONS ARE GAINING MORE AND MORE ACCEPTANCE THROUGHOUT OUR SOCIETY. (i love the smell of equal-opportunity offense in the morning…)

 Yet in the end it is death…, and the judgment of the one True and Living Creator God that comes to every person. God’s everlasting judgment awaits us all. Some to Heaven and some to burn in everlasting hellfire. (70/30?  60/40?  what kind of numbers are we talkin’ here?) For this reason it is essential for each of us to know that the God who created us is absolutely outspoken in His hatred for sin and unbelief; for adultery, pornography, whoring, lying, violence, brutality, murder, immoral lifestyles, disobedience to His commandments, hatred (didn’t they just mention his “hatred?”  god hates haters?  haters are sinners?  god is a sinner?  i’m confused.), thievery, sorcery (yeah, more and more young people today are turning to alchemy. black market magic wands are becoming a real problem.) and unbelief. So that every vile movie producer, debased actor (wait a minute, that’s me…), godless educator, money-loving preacher, pedophilic priest, liberal ideologue (again, me…), baby killer, atheist, homosexual as well as those who follow after false religions will by GOD’S OWN MOUTH be damned to burn in the unbearable agony of eternal and everlasting hellfire (s’mores, anyone?).

IF YOU HAVE ANY FEAR OF DEATH OR HELL…, YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK! (oh. i get it. it’s a sales pitch.)

 THE PASSION OF CHRIST LIVES, PASSING ON DOWN THROUGHOUT THE LONG ANNALS OF HISTORY (ha. they said “annals of history.”), AVAILABLE TO ALL (salvation for only three easy payments of $24.95); SAVING THOSE WHO WILL REPENT AND LOVE HIM; DAMNING EVERY GODLESS PERSON TO AN ETERNAL AGONY OF ENDLESS HELLFIRE THAT THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BEAR (stop shouting. i heard you the first time.).

READ THIS BOOK!!!!

WHEN JESUS CHRIST SUFFERED, DIED AND ROSE AGAIN FROM THE DEAD HE PROVED TO EVERY PERSON WHO WOULD EVER LIVE THAT HE AND HE ALONE IS THE ONE TRUE AND LIVING CREATOR GOD. GOD INCARNATE. GOD COME IN THE FLESH. (ha. they said “god come in the flesh.”) THE GREAT CREATOR GOD WHO ALONE HAS THE POWER TO FORGIVE SIN; WHO ALONE HAS THE POWER TO GIVE LIFE AND TO TAKE LIFE. THE ONLY GOD THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO IS WORTHY TO BE PRAISED!!!  (personally, i would like to praise the inventor of quick-dry nail polish.)

We are a worldwide ministry. For the past 24 years we have preached the life-changing, soul saving love (i thought this god of theirs was a hater, not a lover…) of Jesus Christ. If you need help in your life we encourage you to please write or email us. God loves you and Jesus Christ wants to forgive you of your sin. If you can afford to help us with a financial gift (“money-loving preacher” ring a bell?) as we continue to preach the soul-saving message of Jesus Christ to some of the most desperate…, and wicked people around the world – we will send you a FREE COPY of the unforgettable book, LOVE THAT JESUS.(i think i just puked in my soul a little bit.)

GOSPEL MINISTRIES INTERNATIONAL
PO Box 180843, Casselberry, FL USA 32718
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so, folks, be intolerant of others, obey a hateful god, and give them money or be damned to burn in the unbearable agony of eternal and everlasting hellfire.

or, we could just live our lives as we see fit, committing no harm upon others and believing in the highest supreme power i know of: ourselves.

either way, it’s a toss-up.

but option #2 is a hell of a lot cheaper.