Brokeback Mountain (2005)

The latest film from director Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Ice Storm) has garnered 7 Golden Globe nominations. See if you can garner whether I think they are deserved (or not).

Warning! The following synopsis contains spoilers. Please do not read further if you plan on seeing the movie, or if you need to be somewhere in the next two minutes. Other than that, enjoy.


Randy Quaid: I need some sheepherders. Go up Brokeback Mountain for several months. Just the two of you. With one tent. Now git.

(Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal meet awkwardly outside the trailer office several moments later.)

Heath Ledger: Please pardon my regional mumble.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Please pardon my ridiculous sideburns.

(many sheep scenes later…)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Hey, let’s drink lots of whiskey, cause I’m named Jack Twist, and I’m crazy.

Heath Ledger: Okay. Boy, I’m too drunk to go check on the sheep… I could sleep out by the fire…

Jake Gyllenhaal: Sure… But it’s gonna get cold… Why don’t you come in the tent with me…?

(Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal engage in drunken fisticuffs and graphic, grunting sex.)

(Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal meet awkwardly outside the camp tent the next morning.)

Heath Ledger: This is a one-time deal, we got goin’ here.*

Jake Gyllenhaal: Ain’t nobody’s business but our own.*

(four years, two wives, and three children later…)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Surprise! I’m up from the Texas rodeo. Let’s go “fishing” on Brokeback Mountain.

Heath Ledger: Hot diggity damn. Wife, I’ll be back next week.

Michelle Williams: I’ve colored my hair and stayed pasty-white for this role. I shall now show my acting abilities by looking meek and troubled, as I saw them kissing but can’t get up the gumption to holler about it.

(unspecified number of years later…)

Heath Ledger: Please pardon my closeted tendencies.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Please pardon my cartoonish mustache.

(several more years…)

Heath Ledger: Just because I’ve gotten a divorce doesn’t mean I want to “open a spread” with you.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Shit. I guess I’ll have to go to Mexico for man whores.

(several more years…)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Now that we’re forty-ish, I have an ultimatum. I guess. Maybe not.

Heath Ledger: Why don’t you quit me? Why do you love me? Why did my parents name me “Ennis?” (breaks down crying.)

(the next month…)

Heath Ledger: Damnation. Jack Twist is dead. And all I have left are the two shirts from our summer on Brokeback Mountain that he saved and didn’t tell me about that still have dried blood on them from when we punched each other out the last day we were there because.. Well, who the hell knows. (cries. just a little.)

Heath Ledger: Jack Twist, i swear…*


*actual lines from the film.

Grade for one extremely hot man-on-man kiss: A+
Grade for the dumbass ending: D-
Grade for the movie: C

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